Success!

Oh. My. Goodness! Exams are over! Papers have been turned in! Lord-willing, CPCC is rid of me! What an amazing feeling. What a sense of peace. What a blessing!!! The Lord has been so good!

I’ll be the first to admit that it doesn’t take much for me to trust, but then I start to have doubts and second opinions begin to form. Last week it took a little while, but then I really began to actually TRUST in the Lord and to give myself and my life to Him fully, understanding that He’s in control and that whatever happens is part of His plan for me. Then the doubts started to kick in. What if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t live up to expectations? What if I don’t read the Bible or pray enough? What if I fail?

Well, as it turns out, trust is all I need! I shouldn’t be worrying (stupidly) about all that other stuff! Romans 10:9-10 says “If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.” Tell me that’s not the coolest thing ever! So Lord, I give everything to you.

Thoughts to Live By

I read these words in a devotional, and they affected me in such a positive way! There is so much truth contained therein, and it’s so encouraging to know and trust that God is in complete control and I am not!

• Nothing touches me that has not passed through the hands of my heavenly Father. Nothing. Whatever occurs, God has sovereignly surveyed and approved. We may not know why, but we do know our pain is no accident to Him who guides our lives.

• Everything I endure is designed to prepare me for serving others more effectively. Everything. Since my Heavenly Father is committed to shaping me into the image of His Son, He knows the ultimate value of this painful experience. It is being used to empty our hands of our own resources, our own sufficiency, and turn us back to Him—the faithful Provider. And God knows what will get through to us. 

Lord, I pray that you would continue to work in me in amazing ways. Thank you so much for the strength and humility you have put in me through the Spirit. You are so good and your love is never-ending. You are a light unto my path and I could never think of anything more amazing than the truth and love that resides in your Word.

My Shield

Wow. Just wow. What a blessing it is to have God in my life! I feel like He’s used me so much the past week and it’s so incredible to think about how much more room for improvement I’ve got! Final exams are next week, and I’m kind of a little stressed, but not worried. Whatever happens will happen, for God’s glory and it’s all part of His plan.

Today I’ve really been struggling with my thoughts. They’ve been really negative and depressing, and usually when I get like that it lasts all day. Not today, though!!! It’s been so amazing to make a conscious effort to trust in God when I get like that, because it’s so comforting to know that I’m not in control. It’s all God! I wouldn’t even WANT myself in control of my life. Goodness! I wouldn’t know what to do!

I’m so thankful that God has given me the life I have, all these amazing opportunities and blessings really just go to show that He knows best, and we humans can’t even come anywhere CLOSE to understanding God. That’s so incredible!

Anyways, it’s been so great to see how God really is my shield, especially today. He’s shielded me from depression and anxiety and stress and worries and whatever other crappy thoughts might have potentially slipped into my head, and it’s been so encouraging to feel the Spirit so busy at work within me!

On another note: this communication fast is still going on, and I’m so grateful to God for giving me the strength and patience to do this! I would never be able to do something like this on my own. It’s just another testament of God’s awesomeness!

Also Lord, (and I’m saying this in all earnestness) thank you so much for music.  More specifically, thank you for the secular musical groups, The National and Sigur Ros.  Thank you for using them as a medium with which to grow closer to you, Lord.  Their beautiful melodies and soaring harmonies have been so encouraging for me and have helped me focus on staying positive, and I thank you for that.  Especially “Runaway” and “Ara Batur”.  So perfect.

Communication Fast

Fasting. I never thought I’d participate in such a thing, but here I am. I may not be fasting from food, but I am fasting from communication. Communication with someone I care about deeply. I feel that the Lord has put it on my heart to do this, and it’s something I never imagined I could do. But through God all things are possible! It’s just so amazing to turn to Him and know that He’s always there and has a plan for me, one that my feeble human mind cannot even come close to comprehending! It’s so fantastic and awesome to be able to give everything to Him and to trust with my whole heart that He is in control! He knows. He knows everything! Isn’t that incredible?? I know that this is for the best, and that everything that happens is all part of God’s master plan. He’s blessed me in so many ways, and everything that happens is for His glory! I’ve grown so much in the past few months and it’s so incredible to see how He’s really coming alive in me and using me to influence and support others. I just pray that I would continue on this path and that this communication fast would continue to bring me and the other who is participating in the fast closer to God and more in touch with His will, and that as a result we would more fully trust in Him for all things. Whatever His plan may be, He is in control and it’s all for the best. Thank you, Lord.

Something Different

Oh man… What a weekend! Savannah for Thanksgiving was so amazing! And I got to take photos for an awesome wedding in Newark! When I arrived back at my house, I felt like I wasn’t home. I didn’t know where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be with. God is so good though! He is such a comfort in times of need and He is so incredible to me! I would be nothing without Him, and the wisdom and strength He’s given me is the most amazing thing in the world. I had such an amazing conversation last night, and I learned so much about myself that I didn’t even know. I’ve never heard myself say the stuff I said, and it was so incredible to hear God speak through me like that. I’ve got such awesome friends and family, and I’m so grateful for all these opportunities that God has given me.

Comfort

I know I shouldn’t worry, but I do. All the time. 24/7. And the smallest, most insignificant things end up becoming these huge ordeals to me. I think far too much and far too deeply about trivial matters, and then it starts to carry over and take its toll in the aspects of my life that mean the most to me.

I know why I worry: I’m afraid. I’m afraid of loss, of rejection, of not being good enough. Everything I worry about has its roots in selfishness. I worry that everything bad is somehow my fault. I blame myself for everything. I bring myself down and constantly bash myself. Clearly I don’t see myself as God sees me.

I understand exactly why I get this way, too: it’s because I TRY to understand. I try to get to the root of the issue. I try to figure out WHY. And that will always bring you down, because trusting in God means trusting that He knows, not you. He knows what’s best for me. He knows all my struggles before even I do. He knows everything, and I’m just a human.

God you are so good!!! You’ve blessed me in so many amazing ways, and I constantly take You for granted. Please comfort me as I strive to find joy in all the blessings you’ve placed all around me, and give me courage as I continue to strive to become the man You intend me to be… The man everyone needs me to be. You are so good. Please help me to help those around me. Help me as I strive to be a joy, comfort, and blessing to those around me (and those 6 hours away, too). Things are happening that I can’t control, and I just pray that you would grant me wisdom as I strive to be there for those who need me to be there, and that people would see your love alive and at work in me. I’m so blessed.

Goodness!

So I’m supposed to be writing a research paper, but I just can’t seem to find the motivation to get this done! Today I’ve found myself just constantly pacing back and forth, and nothing is able to keep my attention for more than a few minutes at a time. I don’t know why today’s like this, but it’s pretty discouraging! I’ve thought about taking a nap, but I just don’t know. And all of a sudden my room seems to hate cell phone reception, and I can barely get a signal at all. I updated the roaming capabilities and everything! Now it says it’s got a pretty decent signal, but it doesn’t seem to be using it or anything. Messages still take forever to send and receive, and it’s kind of frustrating. Oh well, nothing’s perfect! I’ve been focusing so much on my relationship with God, and I’ve found that I really do enjoy reading the Bible and I’m really starting to get a lot out of it. That’s a big encouragement, and I know that through God I can overcome anything, but it’s so easy to get discouraged! God, please grant me peace as I strive to be the man I know you want me to be, the leader I know I can be, the son I should be, the boyfriend she needs me to be… Please bless me with wisdom as I strive to make these ends meet and courage as I face these struggles within myself. You’ve given me so much, Lord… A loving family, a bed to sleep in, a soft pillow on which to lay my head which I would not have had if it weren’t for the incredible generosity of the amazing girlfriend you’ve blessed me with, thank you so much for all my friends and loved ones, for my dog, for this wonderful Autumn weather, for emotions (they make me feel so alive!)… Thank you for everything.

Confidence

Yesterday and today I’ve really committed myself to maintaining a positive attitude, no matter what’s going on in my life. Getting in the Word has helped so much, and I’ve had so many great times in prayer. I’m feeling really optimistic, and God is to praise for this. He’s been working in me in so many amazing ways, and I can’t wait to see what all He has in store for me in the future. I just pray that this positive change will continue and carry over into all aspects of my life. I always say I’ve changed and that I can change, but this time is different. My girlfriend is struggling with our relationship, and I just pray that she can see this positive change, because I would hate to lose such an amazing blessing… She means so much to me, and I’ve been feeling really positive about our relationship since I’ve been giving everything to God the past couple of days, and I hope that after getting in the Word and praying a bit she’ll feel the same way as I. I miss her so much and I’ve been a jerk towards her, but I’m ready to step it up and be a great positive influence in her life.

Frustrations

Last night I was having a great night. I got my history test done and I got to talk to my beautiful girlfriend over skype for a while. For some reason, right as I was getting in bed for the night, a barrage of negative thoughts assaulted me from all sides. I felt like something was trying to eat its way out of my heart. I got so frustrated that I’m back living with my parents, that I’m at community college, that I feel so alone all the time, that I get so discouraged in myself and lose hope so often, and that the first thing I think of when I get upset is to rant to my girlfriend. I know that when I get like this, it’s got to be so discouraging for her. I know that this distance (just a few hundred miles) is as hard for her as it is for me. I know that even though she’s at college with her friends, she still misses me as much as I miss her. It’s just so easy for me to get selfish and go off about stupid stuff. I need to start thinking positively, finding the good in these situations. Yes, I’m living with my parents, but this could be an opportunity to show them that I’m growing up to be a responsible adult! Yes, I’m at community college, but I’m saving my parents a lot of money, and if I get good enough grades, I’ll be transferring in January! Yes, I’m away from my girlfriend, but this is such an opportunity for us to grow in our trust, and to form a really tight emotional bond to each other while we can still focus on the stuff that we as individuals need to accomplish! I guess that’s all for now. I just needed to get all that out there.

Reasons

Yesterday I found myself struggling with confidence. Confidence in myself, that is. I felt I was failing everyone around me, including myself. Every time I tried to fix something about myself, my relationship, my schoolwork, what have you, something else would go wrong, or I’d come across as weak and vulnerable. This is why I’ve started this blog: as a means of venting about my stress, and hopefully maybe getting some feedback and support! I’d love to be able to express feelings and concerns that other people are experiencing besides just me, and maybe I can even provide support as well! ‘Till next time…